Hi there, everybody! Thank you for being so patient! For those of you who are interested, here is a sample of the revised opening for Foreign Devil:
Jerszak Senfell loved driving his bus through the bustling metropolis
of Tenerek’s main city, Arturii. It was an easy route, and most of the people
who caught his bus did so every day the whole year through. He’d made some
good, solid friendships with the men and women who rode his route. He’d even
met his future wife during a shift and against regulations, had asked her to
marry him while stopped at the long red light. She’d said yes, of course, and
the entire bus had cheered him on.
What a wonderful day that’d been. Just about the best day Jerszak could
ever remember. The bus driver -a little long in the tooth, a little gray in the
hair, a little round in the belly- was holding on to that day with feverish
attention. He hoped it’d keep him sane.
Today was nothing like that day.
Today, against regulations, Jerszak wasn’t even driving his own bus.
Today, a blue-eyed black haired maniac in a long coat was driving his bus
and with such reckless abandon. It was a miracle the vehicle was still working.
“Y’know, Jerry … I can call you Jerry, right? Y’know, Jerry, this whole
thing is seriously fucked up.”
Jerry winced as the driver started angling the bus towards oncoming
traffic. Instinct said the man was going to try and take the corner onto Lefz,
but it was less than fifty feet away and they were traveling nearly a hundred
miles an hour. For some reason that boggled Jerry’s mind, his kidnapper was
insisting that he follow the route,
even though it seemed to be making escape from the police force right behind
them more than a little difficult.
Jerry swallowed nervously and redoubled his grip on the bars. He didn’t
know what the word ‘fucked’ meant, but it was easy to guess. “I … yes … taking
me hostage is … is fucked up.”
The driver did something complicated involving all the brakes, the gear
shifter and the steering wheel and against all rational thought and odds, the
lumbering hulk that was the bus made an amazingly graceful turn onto Lefz,
whereupon they picked up speed once more. He howled with laughter as a slew of
brilliant purple police cars slammed into one another. “This? The hostage
thing? No, that’s not the fucked up thing, Jerry. That’s normal. No, the fucked
up thing is this future. It’s all
wrong. Like, completely and totally wrong.”
Jerszak –who actually found he was thinking of himself as Jerry-
frowned. “The … the future? I … that doesn’t make sense.” He was a bus driver,
which meant that on slow days, or on days when nobody felt like talking, he had
ample time for thought. Jerry was by
no means a philosopher, but he’d been known to have a deep thought or two.
The rearview mirror showed the cops had reoriented and were back on the
hunt. Jerry continued. “How can our future be wrong? How can you even know what
the future is? Who are you?”
The blue-eyed maniac blinked. “Where are my manners? I’ve taken you
hostage, we’re about to get into some pretty heavy shit here and I haven’t even
told you who I am. My name, Jerry Seinfeld, is Garth N’Chalez, formerly a
Mercenary Captain for The Special Services Branch of Trinity’s Military
Engine.”
Though he’d been terrified from the moment Garth had politely informed
him he and his bus was being taken hostage, Jerry was now absolutely petrified. He knew about Special
Services. Everyone did. Special Services was the worst best-kept secret in all
of Trinityspace; home of criminals, the insane and people who lived only to
kill or die on planets on the other side of the impenetrable Cordon, soldiers
who worked in SpecSer were legends.
They did things and went places they couldn’t talk about.
Jerry stared at the thick hand shoved in his direction, trying as he
did so to forget that his captor was now driving the bus with his knees. “Garth N… Nc …?”
Garth sighed. No one anywhere could pronounce his name. “Nickels. Okay?
Just … Nickels is fine. Jesus.”
Jerry took Garth’s hand in his own because it seemed like that was what
the man wanted. He did it for another reason too: hopefully it’d get him to put
his hands back on the wheel. The bus driver had the distinct feeling that his
captor was doing his best not to squeeze too hard, for which he was grateful;
Garth’s hand felt as hard as steel.
Garth smiled sunnily. “Awesome. Now. I didn’t say our future. I said this
future. Viewed from the outside looking in, everything that is, um, everything –like right now- is totally one
hundred percent incorrect.” He looked in the rearview mirror. Six cop cars
trailed their bus and one was trying to make its way beside them, presumably to
shoot out the tires or shoot through the door. Not very sporting.
Against better judgment, Jerry opened his mouth. “That would make it
the present, then.”
“Ahah!” Garth pointed a finger at the roof and abruptly lost control of
the bus. It swerved to the left. The driver of the cop car sneaking its way up
overreacted to the sudden motion and veered off into the side of a building.
“You’d think so, right?” Garth grabbed hold of the wheel with both hands and
started angling to make another high-speed turn.
“The present isn’t the present?” Whoever Garth Nickels was, he seemed
to have a very tenuous grasp on time. “What is it then?”
Then, because they were going to take the turn onto Bliru at roughly a
hundred fifty miles per hour, Jerry shut his eyes.
There followed a solid thirty seconds of cursing, crashing and
squealing of tires. Jerry had never heard the word ‘fuck’ before today, but in
those thirty seconds of testicle-shrinking terror he heard something on the
order of seven thousand different ways of using it in a sentence, some of them requiring no additional
words at all. A few more car crash sounds reached his ears and Jerry hoped that
the policemen in those vehicles were okay.
“You can open your eyes, Jerry.” Garth waved when the driver did so. He
cocked his head to one side, thoughtfully. “Can I trust you?”
“Sorry?” Jerry ignored the fact that Garth was driving with his knees
again. The man seemed capable of driving with any part of his body, and with
far greater skill than someone who’d used the same vehicle every day for the
last fifteen years.
“Can I trust you? I mean, people talk to you all day long, right? Do
you blab all the stuff they say to your wife the moment you get home, or do you
keep it to yourself?”
At that moment, Jerry saw in Garth’s brilliant blue eyes an absolute
need to talk to someone. For the rest of his days, Jerszak Senfell would
remember wondering how any one human being could seem to be so alone in the
middle of a police chase, or how, while being
so alone, he could be having so much fun. “Absolutely, Garth. You can trust
me.”
“Cool.” Garth nodded, satisfied.
Then more firmly, “Cool. Okay. So. I was born something like thirty thousand
years ago on a small blue-green planet called ‘Earth’. For some reason I can’t
remember or even fucking understand, I put myself into suspended animation. I
got woken up ten years ago, and even though I remember shit-all about the past,
I can tell you with absolute clarity that this whole future is broken. You ever hear of a show called
The Jetsons? No? It was a cartoon for kids, but in it, they had spaceships that
could fold up into suitcases! Where are those,
Jerry? We’re thirty thousand years into the future,
man. How come we don’t have warp drive, Jerry? TV shows from my time had guys
in glittering onesies traveling all over everywhere at Warp 10 and damn me if
there’s no reason we don’t have that! Explain to me why there haven’t been any
significant advances in anything in ever,
Jerry! Oh,” Garth grinned sheepishly, “and um, I should warn you. Knowledge of
my interment for thirty thousand years and, uh, my rank and previous
association with Special Services is bound under Trinity Law and anyone
announcing anything I say to anyone is, um, punishable by an awful lot of
things that are detrimental to breathing. I can recite the applicable statutes,
if you like.”
Jerry automatically filed most of what Garth had just said away as the
ramblings of a madman, choosing to focus on the one –to his mind- salient
aspect of the man’s rant. “You …” he whispered quietly, “you have to know why. Everyone knows why.”
Garth looked again the rearview mirror. “These guys are effing
persistent, man.” He shook his head. “Say it, Jerry. Say it out loud. Don’t be
afraid. Trinity isn’t here and isn’t going to hurt you.”
“The …The Dark Ages.”
Garth slammed on the breaks, yanked hard on the wheel, howling with
laughter as the massive bus spun in a perfect hundred-eighty degree arc. He
frowned apologetically as, at the tail end of the spin, the rear of his commandeered
bus whacked a series of parked cars into motion. “Exactly, Jerry. The Dark Ages. A ‘universal and
unpredictable event’ that sweeps across all of fucking creation, slamming
everyone and everything back to, well, the goddamn Dark Ages!”
Throwing the bus into motion, Garth drove back the way they’d just
come, waving cheerily at the stunned police officers.
Jerry wanted to weep but adrenalin and terror were keeping him
mercilessly focused. Not only was he being held captive by a bona fide SpecSer
madman, he was dealing with … he couldn’t even think of the right words. The
Dark Ages, and the dread you felt … it was just something you learned to deal
with. Focusing on it as Garth Nickels seemed to have done was … unwise. He
opened his mouth to say something, but Garth interrupted.
“It doesn’t make sense, Jerry! I’ve been on hundreds of planets in
thousands of systems across both Trinityspace and The Cordon. I’ve seen things you can’t imagine and done things
you would swear were impossible. We have Quantum Tunnels that connect solar
systems hundreds of trillions of light years apart. We have artificially
intelligent minds running everything everywhere –not counting Trinity - and we have spread ourselves to virtually
every corner of existence. Did you know that, right now, the Trinity AI has
more than eight hundred Offworld species of sentient being contained within
It’s own domain? Eight hundred!”
“What does…?”
Garth rammed a police car out of the way as he interrupted Jerry. “Does
this have to do with anything? It’s The Trinity Fucking AI, Jerry! It’s been in
control of humanity and your expansion for thirty
thousand years. It has the power and ability to create something like The
Cordon, a massive intergalactic wall
that keeps ravening hordes of mutated humans and … and talking cockroaches from
wandering around messing our shit up. It has Enforcers under It’s control, and those guys can conquer solar
systems all on their own and they don’t even have to pack a lunch! It can keep aliens with alien technology from leaving their own solar systems without permission and it can’t stop these Dark
Ages? It can do anything It wants!”
“The … The Trinity AI is affected
by The Dark Ages too. It says so.” Jerry winced as Garth drove another three
cop cars off the road.
“Jerry, don’t go wobbly on me here.
Think about it. I can accept the fact that these Ages happen. The evidence is
overwhelming. I can even accept that Trinity prevents entire realms of
scientific exploration from occurring to help forestall a coming Age because
even though I hate the machine mind with a passion, It is nevertheless
instrumental in keeping everyone breathing. If It were affected by The Dark
Ages as badly as individual solar systems and planets are, we wouldn’t have
made it past that first one. Did you know that after a Dark Age, whole bunches of old tech that used to work don’t
anymore? How does that make sense? It doesn’t! Know what else doesn’t make
sense?”
“I … I …” Jerry pointed out the
front window. Policemen were standing on either side of the road with guns
drawn.
“Don’t mind them, Jerry. Tenerekian
standard-issue revolvers lack punching power. Your bus is bullet-proof.” Garth
flipped a couple cops the bird and kept on driving. “Microchips, Jerry. Microchips
thirty thousand years into the future don’t make any sense. This whole
future doesn’t make any sense. Hell, me driving a bus and talking to you is
weird. After this long, everyone everywhere should be talking balls of light
or, uh, well … not needing a goddamn bus to get to work.”
“I get it now.” Jerry announced
suddenly. “You’re being chased because of your views on the Trinity AI and The
Dark Ages! You’re an agitator aren’t you? The Trinity AI wants to silence you!
Don’t you know that talking about Dark Ages like this incites riots and panic
in the streets? I’ve read stories about whole planets being swept up in
anti-Age riots and hysteria. You should … you should give up.”
“Haha, what? No, man, Trinity loves
me. First rate soldier, me. Did all kinds of fucked up shit for that machine
mind. Trinity wouldn’t do anything to me unless I, like, wandered talking about
Gorensworld or Tannhauser’s Gate … shit … forget I said that. I didn’t say
that. I was talking about the weather.”
Jerry whimpered. “Then what … why …
why are the police chasing you?”
“Oh that.” Garth shrugged. “No
clue. Some cop pulled a gun on me about an hour ago and told me I was under
arrest. I punched him out and ran away. Cue antics with stolen bus. This is
fun, isn’t it? We’re having fun, right? I mean, I bet you never knew you could
drive your bus this fast, right? And you’re learning about how the future is
broken, so that’s got to count as interesting,
at the very least.”
Jerry pointed out the window with a
trembling finger.
“Well shit. Your bus isn’t
bulletproof against machine guns, Jerry.” Garth shrugged. “I wonder what I did
wrong. You probably wanna get off.” To oblige his unwilling guest, he drove up
and pulled to a complete halt at the closest available bus stop.
Jerry got off as quickly as he
could, turning to watch as Garth Nickels, ex-Mercenary Captain formerly of
Special Services, sped up and basically aimed the bus at the squadron of
machinegun wielding police officers.
The explosion was quite impressive.
Pale and trembling, Jerry sat on the bench and waited for the police to come to
him. While he did this, the ex-bus driver thought on what he was going to say.
He certainly had no intention of mentioning anything that Garth had actually said; Jerry had little doubt
revealing word one of what’d come out of the man’s mouth would see him locked
up forever.
Xxx
Garth sat and waited politely for
the arresting officers to finish putting out the fire, humming the theme song
to ‘The Greatest American Hero’ under his breath. He was out of sorts. He knew
it. Ever since winning free of Special Services, ever since deciding to … do
what he was going to try and do … he wasn’t feeling right in the head. The
urges pushing him forward were … overwhelming.
A cop in a bright purple suit
warily approached him, handcuffs at the ready. Garth rose and waited for the
cop to stop crying. When all the tears were done, the ex-SpecSer turned around
and laced his hands behind his back. “Look, man, I can’t cuff myself. Let’s get
this over with.”
Backed by fifty cops armed with
machineguns and rocket launchers, the arresting officer stepped forward and put
the cuffs on.
“You guys owe me a new jacket.”
Garth groused as he let himself be put into a paddy wagon. “This one is burned
because you blew that bus up around my ears.”